Cattle Thief
by feey
Summary: I swear that I did not take you cows, whatever they are, I do not know, for I was only born yesterday." A retelling of Hermes' theft of Apollo's cows, based on the Homeric Hymn to Hermes.


_How does an entire herd of cattle lose itself?_ I wondered, annoyed. Artemis would have a field day when she heard about this, if I did not find the trice damned beasts. Why did I have to get the cattle along with the sun?

Though, to be honest, they were all very nice cattle…

A crow with long wings caught my eye, flying below a rising eagle, and I swore. One of my siblings, a male one, was behind this, and as I knew where all the divine ones were, it had to be the new one. Hera had been fuming lately, and everyone knew that this meant that Zeus had lain with another woman, again.

The omen would fit with what the old man had said, that a child had driven the cows from the herd off. Only a god-child would be able to do so.

_What from the depths of Tartaros made these?_ I wondered, looking at the huge tracks that accompanied the backwards ones of his cows.

_Wait… what is that?_ I ran towards the sweet scent, topping a hill and walking into a cave set within its recesses. And there was the culprit.

I ignored him trying to hide in his swaddling clothes; I knew the brat was stronger than he appeared, and that he was hiding something. But I did not care about that, nor the fact that his mother- I think Maia was her name; I remember her coming for the wedding of Aphrodite and Hephaistos- looked from him to me fearfully.

Nothing but ambrosia and nectar. What had he done with my cows?

"Child," I thundered, "If you want to continue lying in your cradle, tell me where my cattle are. Otherwise I will throw you into Tartaros, and neither your mother nor your father shall free you or bring you up again." Maia- yes, that was her name, I now remembered- widened her eyes in fear. The brat only smiled innocently.

The butter of barbarian nations would not melt in his mouth.

"But son of Leto, why do you say such mean things?" he said with such guile that even Athena would be impressed. "Do I look like a cattle thief? I have not heard, seen, or been told of your cattle. I was born yesterday; look at my soft feet!" He wiggled them in the air, much to my disgust. What did people, and gods, see in babies?

"But," he continued, "if it will make you feel better, I will swear a great, great oath, by my father's head that I am not guilty and that I do not know what happened to your cows, whatever they are, for I only know them from stories."

I had to laugh. Not loudly, but the audacity of this child was amusing. So he would swear an oath? Then let him swear it before Zeus himself.

And I would then get my cows back.

"Come then, little rogue, before the night comes again and you can rob those around of everything without a noise. I do not wish to think of the terrors you would let loose on the herdsmen when you see well fleeced sheep or hearty cows. Truly you will be known as the prince of robbers forever. Now get out should you wish to sleep through more nights, and come with me."

I picked up the brat, and he farted, sneezing afterwards.

He farted. Gods, what did I do to the Fates to deserve omen sendings like this?

I dropped him, laughing at his face. I kneeled down, better to drive my point in.

"I will find my cattle," I promised, "For I can read the omens. But I think it will be better if you lead the way."

And he jumped up, shaking his head and pushing his covering up to his ears.

"You are so angry!" he exclaimed. "Is it because of those cow things? I hate them! I hate all cows, whatever they are! Better that we go to Zeus, because I do not know where they are, whatever they are. Remember, I was only born yesterday."

"And I was not," I remarked dryly, driving the brat up to Olympos. And the whole world heard us arguing.

"Phoebos," Zeus said shocked when I shoved the thing up the steps before me, "Why do you thrust this babe before you? Especially since he has the markings of a herald?"

"A herald of trouble," I scowled, before setting my features. This brat might have a tongue of silver, but _I_ was Zeus' favoured son.

"Father, you tease me for being the only one who desires gold and silver so much. Yet this child stole my cattle, leading them straight for Pylos. And he was clever at it- I will give him that much- for he doubled their tracks and created a wondrous means by which he walked along them somehow. It looked as if he had walked on slender oak trees.

"Yet he was seen by a mortal man; this is how I know it was him, for the old shepherd had told the truth, so amazed he was. This child, after shutting my cows with their twisted horns- a gift from Helios, you will remember- up in Pylos, then made his way back to the hills of Cyllene, returning to his cradle. He screwed his eyes together when I questioned him, protesting that he knew nothing of cows, being born only yesterday."

If Artemis laughed, I would kill her, sister or not.

Then the child spoke, aiming his words directly at Zeus. Zeus, who always had a soft spot for his children; well, exempting Ares that is, but none of us were sure if Ares really was Zeus' child. Hera was not telling.

"I will tell only the truth, Father Zeus, for I am truthful and cannot tell a lie," he began, and I rolled my eyes. I heard Athena chuckle behind me; she already liked this little trickster.

"He came into our cave today, yelling and threatening to throw me into Tartaros! He had no witnesses, no one! And I was scared, for he is in the prime of youth, and I- as he knows- was only born yesterday, and I am not strong enough to be a cattle lifter. Believe me, if you really are my father, that I did not take his cows! I honour Helios and the other gods greatly, and you I love and fear.

"And one day when I am strong, I will punish him for this slight,"- it was hard for me not to laugh here- "but for now, Father Zeus, favour the younger."

Zeus laughed; how could he not? This child was ridiculous.

"Little trickster," he boomed, "Show Apollo where his cattle are, leaving the mischief in your heart aside. And both of you, come to an agreement."

I nodded my head; I only wanted my cattle back. Though I was fairly certain I would be giving them to a particularly favoured disciple now; they were too much trouble.

The child only giggled and agreed. He took me to the cows at Pylos, and I noticed two hides drying in the sun.

"You need to stop growing now, son of Maia," I said sternly, "For your strength is already so great." I tried to bind him, but he managed to break out of all the ties I made. Those made of willow and grasses- I imbued them with strength of course- broke into many pieces, and suddenly multiplied until they covered the ground and my cows.

I was quickly getting very angry.

And then he took up a stringed object, shifting his eyes back and forth, and began to play. I confess that it was beautiful. I knew that I would be able to play it better, and when he began to sing along to his song, I knew that I wanted the instrument.

"Cattle thief," I began, softening. "I am filled with awe at your song. How did you get such skill, such turn of words? I follow the Olympian Muses and their ways, a lover of song and dance. From where did you get such a heavenly gift, which I now desire more than any feat of skill at the revels of young men?" I held forth my herder's staff, and offered it to him.

"Fifty cows will be ample payment for the song, and I give you this staff of cornel wood, as you will be a leader renowned among the gods. I will not deceive you, son of Maia, even when I give you gifts."

He took the staff, smiling.

"Do not worry, son of Leto," he chuckled. "I am not jealous that you question me about this art of mine. I want to be friends with you, who know well all things in your heart and who sits foremost of the gods. Zeus loves you best, as is right, and they say that because of this you know the honours due to the gods and the utterances of the future. You could learn anything, but as you want to learn this art so much, here, take the lyre." He held it up to me, and I took it, smiling.

I sat down beside him and tried the strings; soon it sang sweetly to my touch. I then began to play, adding my voice to it once I had settled on a melody. There was a rustling behind me, not from the cows, I knew, and I heard the child gasp. The nymphs had come out and begun to dance.

He had been good, but I was far better.

--

From that day, Hermes and I had been fast friends. We have both grown into our positions; me as Zeus' right hand and Hermes as the gods' messenger. We have our other duties, many as they are, but at least he now is in control of the herds, and not me.

"Yo," he greeted, sliding to a stop in midair. "Guess who just got caught?"

"I warned them," I sighed, standing. Ares and Aphrodite would never learn. Why did she choose to marry Hephaistos anyways, if she was only going to cheat on him?

"You should see how he got them," Hermes whistled as we joined the others- though none of the goddesses- heading to Hephaistos' forge. "It's brilliant. And he refuses to explain it to me!"

"The selfish bastard," I remarked dryly. Hermes still had not divulged the mechanism he had used to walk alongside the cattle he stole.

When we entered the room, a sputtering Hephaistos was furiously explaining what happened to Zeus and Hera. A very naked couple lay on the bed, ensnared by a net made of fine metal thread, so strong that I doubted even Hermes could have broken out of it.

Everyone laughed, amused that the slow Hephaistos should catch the quick Ares. But I had another thought, and turned to Hermes, who looked at Aphrodite with a very particular look.

"Hermes," I said softly, "Even if you were to be ensnared by this metal net, would you be willing to lie beside golden Aphrodite?"

He looked at me a little surprised before shrugging sheepishly. "Even if it meant that there would be three times as many bonds, and all the gods- and goddesses even!- were looking on, yes."


End file.
